MASTERCHEF

Today, I discovered I can actually cook despite living off frozen pizzas and Uncle Ben's sauces for the last year and a bit at uni.

Fry some sausages in some butter, after a couple of minutes add apple segments and dried sage. Obliterate anything that used to be living about it with firey gas until golden. Top up with cider for that rustic pisshead-from-Somerset authenticiy and simmer on a high heat until the cider's almost evaporated entirely. Serve with your favourite form of potato-starch-stodge-juice-absorber. I tried adding arrowroot to make the cider residue thicker, but it just ended up with the consistency of mucus. Fruity apple mucus. It was still edible, so my improper kitchen chemistry didn't really matter.

To celebrate not eating rice for a 20th consecutive night, Patrick then made pancakes. Which is always a celebration in its own right.

Seeing as I now have arrowroot in my kitchen cupboard alongside the supernoodles and stir fry sauces, I might just try adding it to everything. Orange juice, coffee, shower water, toasted sandwiches. It'll be a great big experiment in doing stuff wrong.